Problem After Problem

But who can be more problematic than me?

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Problem after problem, it’s never-ending with me. 

Cycles of tears and sobs

Everyone asks me how they can help, 

But I simply can’t say what’s wrong

Problem after problem, I’m always laughing in the face of pain.

Laughing so hard while everyone else grieves

They give me strange stares, 

Stamp me with the words “PROBLEMATIC”

But I never really thought it was fair

Since they saw me crying in the face of laughter

Problem after problem, I can never do what I’m told.

“Your voice is too loud,”

“Your makeup is too bold.”

“Don’t you think you say too much?”

“You should get her under control.”

I never saw an issue with any of it,

I wasn’t hurting anyone

I never went against my own values and morals 

But everyone else thought I did.

Problem after problem, I can feel eyes on me.

Things didn’t go the way I planned,

School, relationships, my future,

The framework of my life slips through my hands.

They watch and smile with deceit, 

Everything I worked for is at my feet

But this is what they always wanted to see.

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Problem after problem, I was too flawed.

At 11, I told too many lies to protect myself

At 13, I had no right to make mistakes

At 16, others’ faults were also my own

At 18, it was a problem that I went out,

At 20, everything I did was always in the wrong.

Problem after problem, I’m being dismissed.

All the love and effort I put in,

All the years I swallowed my pride, 

All the asses I kissed, 

All of that went to waste.

They were pulled in for a dance, 

While I was left there to smile and clap.

I had tears in my eyes and hurt in my heart, 

But they told me I was to blame for being this way.

Problem after problem, he always stays away from me. 

I worried too much,

My trust was broken,

Without him around I couldn’t function.

That’s scary,

It’s scary to be loved.

But it was even scarier to be loved by someone who loved fully,

Loved unapologetically,

Loved until there was nothing left in them, 

If that was even possible.

So he ran.

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It always comes back to me. 

I was the walking problem,

Even when I hurt,

Even when I reason, 

Even if I wasn’t always the problem,

Who can be as problematic as me?