Teaching Introverts How to Rub Elbows
No, not literally. Amidst a global pandemic we like to keep our physical distance, but we can still meet new people even if you may be “shy.”
BY: PAYAL DASS
There was never a doubt in my mind that I was an introvert. All basic characteristics of an introvert are seen in my behaviour. I am reluctant to leave my safe-haven (i.e. my bedroom), hesitant to meet new people, and I resent going to social gatherings—sounds familiar?
Just to confirm my seemingly obvious hypothesis, I took the Myers-Briggs personality test. They labelled me an “INFJ” in which my hypothesis was proven true.
Being the most popular personality test in the world, approximately two million people take this assessment each year. However, the criteria from which results are determined could be considered baseless. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test was developed in the 1940s on the untested theories of Carl Jung. It deducts results to categorize people into false binaries, providing inconsistent and inaccurate results. It blatantly asserts that the world comprises only 16 types of people. The concept of sorting people into a distinct type of psychological groups has long-been outdated, thus this test has been rejected by many modern-day psychologists. Carl Jung himself said “[T]here is no such thing as a pure extrovert or a pure introvert. Such a man would be in the lunatic asylum.” Nonetheless, the MBTI test has been used by many to provide a vague description and reason as to why they act a particular way. It provides people with answers they want to hear.
Photo via Centre for Confidence and Well-Being
Hearing I was an introvert made me worry. How was I going to take the opportunities life had to offer? How was I going to put myself out there? Not to mention, societal pressures and the workings of civilization push us to get jobs to sustain our lives. This means interaction. Humans are known to be a very social species. Unfortunately for us, communication is considered essential for our survival as a global population—this can include dreaded verbal and physical interactions with others. Communication is how societies form culture, and it’s how we determine our values and beliefs. It’s how humans have maintained productivity throughout history, and is arguably the reason why humans defeated neanderthals to become the top of the world’s food chain about 28,000 years ago. Homo sapiens, the species that excels in communication, did effective planning to defeat their much physically stronger rivals.
Working together helps us function on a global level, meaning conditions favour those who are more comfortable in social scenarios. In a way, the world has started to feel discriminatory against all introverts.
I must have been nine years old when I moved to a town with a population of 1000 people. Being a member of the only non-White family there, naturally, I was shy and self-conscious. When waiting at a bus stop with 20 lively kids and their loud parents, I stood distant, outside of their social circle. I kept my eyes focused on the hill up the road, hoping that the bus would arrive any minute. It wasn’t until I was 12 when I started to pay attention to what the others had to say about the world, and about me. “She doesn’t talk to anyone, she must walk with a stick up her ass.”
All this young girl had done was live in her own universe, riding to the moon on a blue whale that also happened to be her best friend. Upon landing on the moon, she painted the world as if it was a blank canvas with her brushes of wisdom and colours of creativity.
Introverts are known to be generally intuitive, deep thinkers, charismatic, and overall great problem solvers. Not only that, but some of history’s greatest leaders and most influential figures were introverts. This list includes Albert Einstein, Rosa Parks, Mahatma Gandhi, and Charles Darwin.
For me, being an introvert is a fairly new concept to deal with. My report card comments when I was in junior kindergarten to second grade complained about me talking during class, not paying enough attention to the teacher. In grades eight to twelve, the comments complained about my inability to participate regularly in class discussions. This was the time people started to use the word “shy” to describe me. It was an unusual shift for me. I realized that as soon as I became more reserved, I became more conscious about the way I looked, spoke, and carried myself in public. I began to overthink about conversations I would have with peers months before, thinking about what I should have, would have, and could have said. I noticed that the main reason I refrained from putting myself out there was because I was scared about what others would think of me.
It wasn’t too long before I realized the change in behaviour stemmed from the “stick up her ass” statement. I was always liked by everyone, and the fact that this one person didn’t like the way I acted, deeply affected me. That same person didn’t know how outspoken I was in class, and that I just didn’t like being around unnecessarily loud people. Now, aware that people do watch my actions, I put myself in a defensive position in which less people would be able to judge me. I tried to go by the years unnoticed.
Being an introvert was originally an undesirable personality to have—both in personal and professional aspects of life. However, being an introvert has become a likable personality to have and makes up roughly half the global population. But, there are still many misconceptions regarding our personalities and capabilities. In the workplace, being in the business stream where pitching ideas through presentations is common, people may consider introverts to be undesirable for the job as they would assume introverts are terrible at presentations, and would only cause a loss for the company. When seeing someone for the first time, one’s entire personality is seldom taken into consideration to form an initial judgement. Thus, if an interviewee of a job that requires public speaking is viewed as an introvert, it could greatly reduce the chances of the interviewee getting hired. In fact, executive coaches and career placement organizations have admitted to using personality tests to find “perfect” candidates for open roles in a competitive market.
However, using this method is problematic and inefficient. Psychologist professor Art Markman wrote that personality is a factor that can motivate people to act, but is not the only factor. He also wrote, “A person who expresses a strong desire to take on a particular role is likely to learn new skills and habits that will allow them to succeed in that role, even if their personality characteristics would suggest they are not well-suited to that job.”
Nonetheless, the statement of my extroverted counterparts has taught me that connecting with people is important in order to survive as part of this social species. We introverts are known to be most content with our own company, but it is also important for us to give others a chance.
There may be more in it for you than you think.
Photo by @grunge_soulss via Instagram
Building both a personal and professional web of connections tailored to your interests and goals is proven to get you farther in your desired career and help you grow as a person. Ultimately, putting aside some time to interact with others may help you reach more success than you could ever imagine achieving on your own. Reaching out to others can help you learn about topics from various perspectives.
Imagine if one charismatic introvert with amazing ideas learned how to rub elbows. Achieving goals big or small with the guidance of others would be comparable to a stroll in the park.
I know what you’re thinking. If introverts are already so amazing on their own, why is it important to learn from others to be successful?
The answer is simple. There’s more in it for everybody—even more in it for introverts.
Contrary to popular belief, this networking process is noted to be most useful for introverts as we take our time to get to know the people we are connecting with, unlike our extroverted counterparts that focus mainly on meeting a large number of people. Networking has proved to help in gaining new ideas and innovations, finding inspiration, making new friends and colleagues, understanding how to effectively utilize opportunities, and improving communication.
Networking doesn’t have to be putting yourself in physically uncomfortable situations. For example, you do not need to go to every convention that is about your specific interest. Making big connections can instead be achieved with baby steps over technology. We have access to various outlets in which connecting with people can be done virtually, in the comfort of our own homes. Social media could be the best way to start putting yourself out there and reaching out to people.
Like anyone else, introverts should be careful regarding who they interact with on the internet. Social media can also have a negative or positive impact depending on how you choose to use it. When used with good intentions, social media can help introverts interact from a place free of noise, eye contact, or the feeling of being cornered in a conversation. Introverts should know that social media should be used as a means to warm up to others and eventually progress to in-person interactions, and should not be used as an excuse to avoid in-person interactions.
To make this process clearer, I’ll list the steps of how to ensure your personal or professional goals are met through one of my personal experiences. When I was in the seventh grade, I was selected along with four other classmates, to go on a Future Aces leadership retreat to Barrie.
This retreat was three days and four nights long. The day we got there, we all found out that every person from the same school would be divided into different groups. This meant I would be stripped away of the comfort I felt with my friends, and placed in a highly uncomfortable situation in which I was expected to actively participate in group tasks with strangers.
I was especially anxious as I had no time to mentally prepare myself. I wasn’t in the proper headspace to reach out to people. When I was assigned my new group, I scanned the people I would be interacting very closely with for the next couple of days. They were all significantly older than me. Obviously, puberty had affected them more than it had affected me. I’ll be honest, I was intimidated by them. I was very nervous that they would judge me, as I was significantly younger and one of the very few people of colour at that retreat. However, when I looked around the group, I realized that no one was talking to each other.
Then, it hit me. Everyone was nervous to talk to each other.
We were all visibly shocked that we had been divided from our group of friends we had come here with. Some people were less affected than others, but everyone still had an awkward presence as we sat in a circle. It didn’t take too long to realize everyone was vulnerable at that very moment. We all just wanted to be comfortable with each other. That was one thing that made interacting with others easier. The realization that everyone is trying to fit in and find people they connect to.
Luckily, we had a group leader who encouraged the group to get out of their shell. They got us talking by using the classic, yet dreaded ice-breaker activities.
There were a couple of older female students I really looked up to there. They seemed to be wise and had their lives put together. I say this because they had perfectly winged eyeliner. But also, because they had such interesting stories to share. One girl, in particular, talked about how she had a rough start to her high school journey because of her parents splitting ways. This seriously affected her grades and life goals. However, after participating in this program she got her life back on track and achieved honour roll for the rest of her high school journey. I obviously had no clue what that meant, but I knew I wanted to be as motivated and as strong as her.
I will admit that it was helpful having extroverts in the group. They made it easier to feel welcomed. The more I started trying, the easier it was for people to engage in conversations with me. Trying was the thing that ultimately got me connected with others, both personally and professionally.
The connections I made on this retreat ultimately encouraged me to stay motivated in accomplishing goals I feel passionate about. It has provided insight that I would have never gotten from my South-Asian parents who had never experienced or been through the Canadian education system. The connections I made on this retreat have impacted me so much that I still remember the lessons learned, insights shared, and heartfelt conversations. So much so that I am sharing some of them with you.
Rubbing elbows could be as simple as that. Wanting to build connections in relation to increasing your chances of getting an internship for a company you’ve been eyeing for a while now. It could be as simple as getting advice from a senior in the same field that you are going into, and using their tips to make your journey easier.
It’s important for us students to aim to create more connections each and every year. This can help us learn from others’ journeys, teach us lessons that lectures won’t teach us, and ultimately serve as an amazing experience for meeting people who are just like you. I know it may be difficult as an introvert—but it’s necessary and highly beneficial.
For us introverts to reach our optimal potential and not only survive, but thrive in this world, it is important to reach out once in a while. Be social and find your niche. Find the group of people you can connect with. There are amazing people out there that would love to share ideas and grow innovatively with you, and all you have to do is try.
