One-Sided Love: Parasocial Relationships and Why You May Be in One
Picture this: thousands of people having a one-sided relationship with the same person. Is it a situationship? A harem? No, it’s a parasocial relationship.
The day has been long. You get home, ready to bury yourself under your blankets. You make it to your room, but right before lying down, you take your phone out, telling yourself that you will only scroll for a few minutes. You are now sitting on the edge of your bed, your back curved, shrimplike. A face appears, one you have memorized but never tire of seeing. The face plastered on the inside of your eyelids, the one you see each time you blink. Before you know it, the ends of your lips lift up. You proceed to scroll through countless posts about that person, your energy levels instantly getting replenished. This person, on the screen? That is the love of your life. You are in a relationship after all, a parasocial one.
Parasocial relationships can be defined as “one-sided relationships, where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other’s existence.”
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Unsurprisingly, parasocial relationships mostly occur between celebrities and their fans. When explained like that, parasocial relationships sound silly. How could someone grow so attached to someone they don’t really know? Yet, most of us do get attached to strangers to some extent. It’s a safe kind of loving, a comforting relationship. It is simple, self-serving.
In my examples, I will be referring to the fans as the Lovers and the celebrities as the Loved. The Loved can never properly reject the Lover, not directly anyway. Loving someone we don’t interact with in real life is easier: the Lover fills in the blanks with fantasies. When the Lover takes a parasocial relationship too seriously, they can ironically start isolating themselves, preferring the comfort of their star. The very foundation of parasocial relationships means that the whole relationship is in one half’s head (the Lover’s). With such a premise, things can easily get out of control.
There’s a particular section of the entertainment industry that is fascinating when it comes to parasocial relationships. It’s an industry that can be vibrant, intense, heartbreaking, and fun all at once: the K-pop industry. As fun as it is, the K-pop industry thrives off of the delusion of its most dedicated fans. Idols (K-pop stars) have to rigorously hide any romantic relationship, avoiding dating scandals like the plague. A dating scandal can be a hit to one’s career; in the most extreme cases, it could potentially end it.
The K-pop industry is not the only one guilty of feeding off of overzealous fans though. The internet in general has made it ridiculously easy for fans to get attached to celebrities. While celebrities used to only be known for their performances, they can now share snippets of their “personal” lives. It can be hard to differentiate between a person’s genuine personality and PR stunts. The Loved benefit from looking approachable, as they get deemed relatable and then more likeable. The more likeable they get, the more fans they gather. The bigger the following, the bigger the success. In the case of streamers, it is not surprising for fans to feel they have a genuine bond with them. After all, fan interactions are a huge part of the appeal of streaming.
The Loved one is unaware of the existence of a specific Lover, sure. But they do know they have fans. They know the fans love them. Do they think of them as a formless blob? A crowd of faceless people? Maybe “The Fans” (or the Lovers) exist as an entity in their mind. Still, no matter how one-sided the relationship is, the Loved cannot be completely separated from the Lover. I imagine it’s hard to wrap your head around being idolized by so many people though. In fact, while the celebrity can have a strong influence on fans, the reverse is just as true. The Loved depend on their audience for their livelihood, so they have to ensure constant audience satisfaction.
Having so many fans will inevitably feed someone’s ego. Still, it can negatively affect the psyche of the Loved one. With the Lover’s attachment comes a sense of entitlement. It can be overwhelming to have a crowd of people think of you as perfect. Establishing boundaries in parasocial relationships can also feel like a puzzle. If the Loved asks for Lovers to respect their boundaries, some Lovers—the delusional ones—can take it personally. Paradoxically, the ones who are most devoted to the Loved can become the most vicious of haters afterwards.
I think there are two questions to ask when considering parasocial relationships. Who really gains from the relationship? Is there a party that gets exploited?
The answer may vary from case to case, but I suspect that that will always be some degree of exploitation from both sides. The specific power dynamics involved in parasocial relationships really beg for us to ask what love really is.
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Parasocial relationships can be beneficial when not pushed too far. They can bring comfort when your life feels like a mess. They can help inspire you when you’re down. They can motivate you to be the best version of yourself. As long as you don’t get obsessive, and as long as boundaries are respected.
You may (unknowingly) be in a parasocial relationship right now. You may find comfort in a stranger, idealise them, and even wish you were with them. It may be comforting to give love to those you idolize. It may even be seen as normal, as long as you’re not obsessive. This shows how much love you have to give. Please give your love to the right person, within moderate practices.
