Physical Touch: Quarantine’s Forgotten Love Language

Quarantine calls for keeping a distance of six feet apart between yourself and others. How has love stretched past six feet for these three couples?

BY: SARAH HILTON

Photo courtesy of Unsplash (@priscilladupreez)

One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced in quarantine is having to go without physical touch. It’s the very root of quarantine itself; we have to keep six feet apart for health and safety, but after a while, it starts to wear down on us. Of course, we can’t just go back to touching just because we’re starting to feel touch-starved, but to go without the luxury of handholding, or receiving a hug when you really need it, can be a huge blow to someone’s mental health with so much else going on around us. 

I’ve had my share of hard times so far: I broke up with my girlfriend a week before we all went into quarantine, and being isolated from my friends in such a fragile state made the healing process all the more difficult. Obviously it’s nothing I can’t handle on my own as an adult, but it doesn’t feel the same calling or texting my friends when I’d rather have a shoulder to cry on. In fact, it’s got me thinking about what that experience might be like: to be quarantined without your partner. I can’t even imagine still being in my relationship and yearning for that physical love that I can’t get through the phone, never knowing when I’d have that again.

Over the past week, I got to sit down via FaceTime with my friends in relationships to talk about what this separation during quarantine feels like, and how it has affected their relationships overall. For Victoria and Juliette, they say that on a scale of one to ten, the importance of physical touch in their relationship is currently sitting at a six.

“It’s not like if she’s not holding me it’s like ‘wow, she hates me,’” Victoria says. “I know for some people that’s how they say ‘I love you’ but I don’t think that’s how we are. We just like touching, which is different.”

While the two have been seeing each other since February, Victoria and Juliette didn’t make their relationship official until the middle of quarantine; to be precise, a month ago during a FaceTime call. But even if they had waited to make their relationship official in person, Juliette says that they would “still just be communicating regardless.”

“I wouldn’t say my particular love language is touch, it’s more quality time and gift giving,” she says. “I guess physical touch isn’t something we have in common, so we bonded on the other love languages.”

“I think it made the quarantine aspect easier for us because it never made us feel like we didn’t like each other because we weren’t touching,” Victoria adds.

I could understand where they were both coming from. It may not be what they specifically relate to, but for me, having a friend or loved one accept a hug affirms to me that I am accepted and wanted. If I try to hold my partner’s hand and they pull away, I feel shut down completely. Having physical touch with your partner can have a lot more underlying meaning to it depending on the couple.

Even though they’ve expressed that physical touch isn’t of the utmost importance to their relationship, not being able to see each other in person has posed some difficult challenges for the couple.

“We FaceTime pretty much every single day,” Juliette says. “And sometimes those moments would obviously feel better if it was person-to-person, especially if we want to have heartfelt moments. Sometimes you want to be held at the same time you’re blubbering about some shit that’s going on in life. It definitely feels better that way.”

Though I’m currently single, this is something I directly connected with my friends on. Sure, it can be comforting to hear your friends’ voices on the phone, but when you step away from the screen you’re only reminded that you’re physically alone with yourself. In a way, it can definitely add to the emotional distress when you’re physically alone with your problems and you don’t have anyone to hold you while they tell you they love you.

This is a sentiment that both Juliette and Victoria relate on in their relationship.

“I feel like it’s hard for me to talk on FaceTime because I don’t want to take up too much time,” Victoria says. “So it’s like, ‘I want cry but I don’t want cry on the computer’ because I feel weird crying alone in my room.”

While being quarantined apart has been difficult in terms of wanting that physical connection, the two have been able to work around this by exploring the other love languages in their relationship, more specifically with gift giving.

 “Gift giving is probably the easiest thing you can do, just online shop and send it to the other person. It feels the most tangible when you can’t be in each other’s physical space.

“I think we also like getting into the habit of one upping each other,” Juliette explains. “Sort of like ‘who can surprise the other more?’ So far [Victoria’s] winning. She’s just buying me flowers whenever. So it’s nice surprises.”

“I just like buying things,” Victoria adds. “I think with my love language I really like quality time received, but I just really love getting people stuff.”

 “It’s just out of nowhere,” Juliette says. “Like when I’m having a bad day, it’s like ‘oh, by the way there’s flowers coming to your door.’”

For Victoria and Juliette, sending each other flowers, clothes, or stuffed animals is their way of connecting despite the physical distance. It’s their way of having a part of each other to hold and touch without having the physical person with them to keep them company. It has also become an alternative form of comfort to each other on top of words of affirmation being exchanged over the phone.

Physical touch may not be safe for couples to indulge in at the moment, but for Victoria and Juliette, they’ve been able to get creative and stay connected in ways that work for them. And even though they can’t be there with each other, scheduling in FaceTime calls combined with gift giving has been their way of not only substituting physical touch, but to also enhance their communication and connect on a more emotional basis now that their relationship has officially started.

Photo by Noor Gatih 

For my friend Sam, she has had a similar experience in quarantine while being in a casual relationship with Andrew. On a scale of one to ten, Sam says that the role of physical touch in her casual relationship is sitting at an eight. But even in a casual relationship, she’s been able to find a silver lining while not being able to share intimate moments with Andrew.

“The way we met was very weird,” she says. “We met through physical intimacy, and we’ve known each other for many months now but have only been talking over video chat and over text. It’s different because when we met, it was like little children in a candy store for the first time. So, touching is important but now we can do without it.”

Ever since their first meeting at a Valentine’s Day party, Sam feels that she’s been able to enjoy having a casual relationship even more now that she and Andrew have used the quarantine to get to know each other better.

“We wouldn’t as easily have been able to connect on a more emotional level if we didn’t text over quarantine. I think if we could’ve gone to see each other, I probably would’ve gone out with him a few times and been like, ‘this is fun, LOL bye.’

“But it was interesting because we got to know each other through the quarantine,” she explains. “Because logically we haven’t had a conversation of any kind about where we stand, but I think there’s an understanding that we’re both on the same level. I’m very open about not wanting to get married or have children in the future and that I’m very focused on school. And I’m sure he’s very busy, he runs a family business. So there’s a mutual understanding because there was a point during quarantine where he wasn’t working and I wasn’t doing much, and we got to know each other to a point, and now we’re able to just have pure fun.”

Sam also believes that quarantine has brought back the idea of “courtship”. She feels that dating has come to depend so much on the physical that we forget to take the time to connect on a more emotional level, worrying about the personal first, and about physicality second.

“There was logically a ‘courtship’ between us that lasted for a few months … where we got to start little routines. Every Sunday we’d watch a show together, then we’d FaceTime and talk about it. It was just a bunch of little things we’d get to look forward to. And I guess quarantine really helped us to get to know each other on a different level.

“I’ve quite enjoyed it. I’m not someone who’s very big on physical intimacy right away in any kind of relationship, so it’s nice.”

Naturally, going straight from meeting Andrew once in person, and suddenly having every date over the phone has put a strain on their connection at times. But Sam feels that as an introvert, this allowed her to get more comfortable with Andrew and completely let go when it comes to spending time together.

“It’s really nice that we just get to talk about things with no pressure … In a way also, it’s good that you can be on the phone instead of in person because then you can just escape. For me to leave the house is a big deal. There’s only a handful of people I enjoy leaving the house to see, so it’s good because I’d be drained of energy. But then I learned he’s equally as introverted as I am, so we’re very much on the same level with texting and stuff.”

Sam and Andrew may have used quarantine to enhance their emotional connection, but this doesn’t mean that they’re looking to commit to a more romantic relationship. According to Sam, the two have so far taken this newfound trust that they’ve placed in each other and used it to completely enjoy their physical intimacy without the fear of any ulterior motives. If anything, not being able to engage in physical touch has forced them to build on their friendship first, and worry about intimacy second.

However, physical touch isn’t exclusively strained when it comes to couples quarantined apart. Chloe has been dating her boyfriend Sonny for over five years, and they’ve recently moved into their new apartment together two weeks before the city went into lockdown.

Artwork by Noor Gatih

For Chloe and Sonny, physical touch might not be the most important part of their relationship, but being quarantined together has still added conflicts in their relationship that neither of them thought would come between them.

“We obviously have a healthy physical relationship, it’s just that the pandemic has made these things very scary,” Chloe says. “It’s like ‘if you’re coming home from work, you can’t be touching me right away. You need to put all your clothes in a bag, shower, maybe then I’ll give you a hug.’

“It’s frustrating. We’re definitely the kind of people who kiss whenever we see each other to say hello, so this is very different.”

Because Chloe and Sonny have been quarantined together and unable to visit friends or family, this adds another layer of strain on top of the uncertainty and stress of quarantine life. Being in each other’s physical space all the time, Chloe finds that they’re more prone to arguments than usual.

“We love spending time together, but [Sonny] knows that I also need to see my parents often, I need to see my friends often, and that hasn’t been possible. … So I get depressed over that and I find I kind of take it out on him a bit. And people at his job are very frustrating and say stupid things to him all the time because he’s a postman… so he’s had a lot to deal with too. So the big problem is coming together and trying to navigate both of us being so strong-headed in our issues.”

As a close friend to Chloe and Sonny, I know from experience that they’re very much a fiery couple, not just in strong-headedness as Chloe says, but also in their love and passion for one another. But Chloe can confirm that they’re definitely more fiery with each other just from being home all the time in each other’s space. It’s not only added this fear of exposing each other to sickness after being out at work all day, but it also creates room for projecting frustrations onto each other to alleviate their stress.

“I think our main issue that the pandemic has made worse is that instead of saying what we need to say, we pick something else, and then fight about that,” Chloe says. “For example, we’ll fight about the fact that I didn’t get out of bed on time … when he was mad about something totally different.

“It’s a little better now that I’m back at work and not just sitting at home all day. It’s not good when you have one person that’s working and going out there and exposing themselves, and then you have the other person sitting in the comfort of your home in your PJ’s all day. That’s bound to cause some issues of frustration, a little bit of envy, little bit of ‘what the hell is going on.’”

Chloe points out that even though quarantined life has been hard on both her and Sonny, it’s also given them an opportunity to be stronger together as a couple. They’ve been able to navigate when they need to spend time apart even in the comfort of their home, and when they need comfort from each other.

“We’ve said so many times throughout this quarantine that we are so lucky … we both still have jobs, we’re both paid, we have each other, we have our beautiful home. … We are very fortunate, and of course this is scary and we’ve had our fights and disagreements because there’s so much happening, so much stress and underlying issues, but we are very fortunate and we say how lucky we are to be together. … But I’m a strong believer in that no matter what, no matter how in love you are, no matter what you cannot be with someone constantly, and not be sick of each other.”

Even as a single person, this is something I wholeheartedly agree with just from being stuck at home with family all day every day. But after a while people start to become accustomed to their routines: even after being stuck inside for so long, Chloe and Sonny are constantly reminded of their love for one another and continue to find ways to use that love to lift each other up and out of the struggles they’ve come face to face with every day at home.

This goes for our other couples as well. Even when they’ve been quarantined apart for months at a time, settling into these new routines and finding new ways to express their love has kindled a new kind of love that they’ve brought out in each other. Victoria and Juliette have managed to shorten the distance between them by exploring their other love languages, Sam and Andrew have enhanced their casual relationship by earning each other’s trust before intimacy, and Chloe and Sonny have managed to overcome frustrations at home with constant love and affirmation, whether it be together, or when they’re giving each other space.

Physical touch may be off the table for now, but love comes in so many forms that it continues to thrive and push boundaries even in the thick of it. Love doesn’t have to end just to keep people safe, rather it can inspire new kinds of love to be born out of hard times.