Judging Books by their Cover

It has taken me 18 years to realize there is much more to a story than what it presents itself to be.

BY: PAYAL DASS

Artwork by Payal Dass // THE UNDERGROUND

Identity has been a complex subject for me to figure out. I know I’m not the first person to question who they are based on doubts that pop up in their heads over the years. 

Most of us have questioned our interests and behaviours because we know these factors make up who we are as people. Apart from individual  aspects that impact our personalities, another significant part of who we are is our ethnicity and nationality. Where nationality refers to the country a person holds citizenship to, ethnicity refers to a social group that shares similar national and/or cultural traditions. There are often overlaps between the two concepts, sometimes making it a blurry line for people to decipher between—like myself for example.

It can be argued that these traits have the biggest influence on how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us. Ethnicity usually affects our outward appearances, by this I mean the colour of our skin, linking us to inaccurate impressions of how we actually are as a person. For example, many people consider me to be either Indian—based on my outward appearance—and ask me questions that I have no answer to regarding their culture. I then have to explain that even though I have similar traditions and share ancestors from that region, I am not the same.

Photo courtesy of Payal Dass // THE UNDERGROUND

In a world that is now so closely connected—cultures overlap with each other and the globalization of cultures and economies expands each year—it is becoming harder and harder for many people to remember where they come from. It also becomes harder to remember where our values and traditions come from. In a way, I feel like we are all losing our independent histories. 

In North America, in particular, despite living in such diverse cities, we all seem to forget about our roots and succumb to the mainstream Western culture and place ourselves on a spectrum from “Cultured” to “White-washed.” I think doing this puts pressure on immigrant children in particular, as it sometimes creates an inner conflict of which culture and values one wants to hold close to their hearts. This distorts the map of identity we spend time drawing for ourselves, as identity is one thing that helps us understand ourselves more than just who we are, but also as to why we do certain things.

Ethnicity is the trait I struggle with the most. My ethnicity and nationality are different—like most citizens of Toronto—so why should I feel like my case is any different from the girl next door? I feel like my scenario of tracking down my roots is more complex than others. There are too many cultures and identities that have been passed down the line.

My parents can’t answer all the questions I have. People always assume I am from one place when I’m really from another. I take pride in being from a smaller country where people never think a Brown person can be from. I also enjoy having a unique web of cultures and values in my life. But, at the same time, I feel like no one understands who I am. No one gets it.

I’m an Indo-Fijian Canadian. At least, that’s the best I can do when I identify myself ethnically. That’s the label I have given myself to make my world make sense. Maybe we can work this mess out together, one country at a time. 

Indo-Fijian.

I have Indian blood, biologically speaking, I am still someone who has a pure Indian gene pool. I’m a Bollywood addict, celebrate India’s festivities, and binge watch some Indian crime shows whenever I get the chance. Going to India is the first thing on my bucket list and Indian culture has had a huge impact on how I live my life today. Whenever I am filling out a questionnaire and a question about ethnicity pops up, I often choose South Asian as the group I identify most strongly with, even though I don’t. I do it because I look like I’m South Asian.

Photo Courtesy of Joe Panchasarp

Even though I have such a strong link to India, I barely identify myself to be an Indian. This is probably because the last of my family to ever be born and raised in India were my great-grandparents. Soon after, my great-grandparents were sent as indentured labourers to work on sugar plantations in Fiji, after the abolition of slavery of 1833 in the British Empire. Although slavery was no longer prevalent in the British Empire, the Indian indenture system was not drastically different from the slave trade market. The indentured system created the coolie-trade, which was a large-scale slavery-like trade with Asian (Indian and Chinese) labourers.

This is why I can never fully identify with any Indian citizen or descendant I meet. My values and way of living are different. It’s quite distant from that of my ancestors. The labourers that were taken to Fiji were from all over India, making the Indo-Fijian language, culture, religion, and food very different from anyone of the South Asian community.

A good example is our language, Fiji Hindi, also known as Hindustani, which is quite different from Hindi spoken in India. As the labourers were from many regions across India, many Indian dialects have made their place in the language used among all Indian descendants in the country. The language heavily relies on Bhojpuri and Gurati, while having smaller influences of Tamil and Haryanvi. “Fiji Talk” closely resembles Caribbean-Hindustani and languages spoken in Mauritius and South Africa.

I now say I am the descendant of girmityas (or jahajis). These are the indentured labourers from India who were sent to Fiji, Mauritius, South Africa, Trinidad and Tobago, Guyana, and many other countries in the Caribbean. The girmitiyas in Fiji are the people that worked on the sugar-cane plantations so the islanders at home didn’t have to, and helped the islanders preserve their culture.

Photo Courtesy of iNews Guyana

Sharing the same group of ancestors as those in the Caribbean often makes me feel like the Indian descendants in the Caribbean are the most similar to me, culturally. We were all part of the Indian diaspora caused by the Indian indentured system, yet still take pride in being part of the coolie people. (Note: do not use the word “coolie” if you’re not part of the community, as it is considered a derogatory slur in most places).

But, I know as a Fijian that I am different from someone who is from the Caribbean. I also consider myself to be a Pacific Islander. I partake in Indigenous Fijian practices that include special customs like particular diets, cooking, socialization, dancing, and the way I connect to nature. 

Photo Courtesy of TourismFiji

My preferred diet is seafood and plant roots usually eaten with some chili on the side and sometimes cooked with coconut. Some of my favourite dishes are Indigenous Fijian. I also love drinking Fiji’s national drink kava, grog, or yaqona (the ‘y’ is pronounced like an ‘n’). It is normally considered a ‘man’s’ drink, but I’ve been drinking this with my father since I was four. Kava ceremonies are often compared to the formal tea ritual in China and Japan as most guests in Fiji or in a Fijian home make grog to symbolize the acceptance of guests at social events.

Canadian.

Even when I’m in Fiji, I feel like I’m missing a part of myself. My Canadian-ness. I would be lying if I said I didn’t get most of my values from Canada. My mother has been in Canada for over 30 years, so in a way, I have been raised by a Canadian. My values of inclusion, acceptance, etiquette, and pride come from being part of Canada. In particular, being born in Scarborough gives me so much pride as it is everything I’ve ever known and loved. Being part of Toronto and pronouncing the city name as “Toronno” will always give me a feeling of belonging to one of the most diverse cities in the world.

Upon the many layers of identity I have wrapped within me, being Canadian is one that I hold very high in my heart.

Hopefully, my story shows you how complex and deep someone’s story can be, and how it can be very different from what you initially thought.

It’s like what they always taught us, isn’t it? Never judge a book by its cover.

Photo Courtesy of Payal Dass // THE UNDERGROUND

As I mentioned before, I feel like no one really understands what it’s like to be me. No one, apart from my family, understands what it’s like to have no friends that completely understand what it’s like to be from many places at once. But honestly, it doesn’t really matter. 

I know where my values, cultural practices, and beliefs come from, and I have found answers to most questions about myself that I was previously curious about. The labels of being from a particular ethnic group have always made me want to select one group—to make me feel like I belong somewhere. Now, an eighteen-year-old who has learned a lot about herself and her heritage no longer hesitates to select the option of “other.”