How to Start a Cult
I thought cults were terrifying and powerful. Until… I realized it was possible to start a cult over cheese.
BY: DANIELA MALLARINO
Photo courtesy of Reddit
My understanding of cults has always come from popular media and TV. I’ve never met someone who is or has been part of a cult, but my skepticism towards the term has only grown over the years.
All I hear from cult ‘news’ is, basically, batshit crazy.
One of the biggest headlines when it comes to tragic cult news is the one about Heaven’s Gate. They were a sect located in San Diego and on March 26th, 1997, more than 40 of its members committed mass suicide thinking that it would give them access to a a spacecraft following comet Hale-Bopp. Each of the dead members was found with $5 in their pockets, a few quarters, matching black shirts, and Nike shoes.
In 2018, Netflix released a documentary titled ‘Wild Wild Country’, where a spiritual leader, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (Osho) and his personal assistant Ma Anand Sheela, managed to build a utopian city (airport included) in the middle of the Oregon desert. The group originated in India in 1968, and it rapidly grew as Westerners joined the teachings of the guru, which were mostly based around sexuality, spirituality, and capitalism.
Since the law in India prohibited their expansion, some of their U.S. American members suggested moving to the United States and off they went to build their commune in a small town of around 50 inhabitants.
Thousands of people arrived and formed their lives there, but the commune has been criticized of theft, evasion of the law, various cases of sexual assault, and even murder.
But who gets to decide what is a cult and what is pure religious fanaticism?
There are various definitions of cults out there. According to The Guardian, a cult or a sect is “religious and quasi-religious movements alongside unregulated therapies of various different kinds.” Others say that the words ‘cult’ and ‘sect’ are a pejorative label used to discriminate against ‘new religious movements.’
Photo courtesy of GQ
But cults are not a ‘new’ kind of organization; even during the Roman Empire cults were believed to have existed.
And yes, most ‘cults’ or ‘sects’ happen to be connected with religious or spiritual backgrounds, but a religious context is not necessary for a cult to be born.
In her TED Talk, Janja Lalich describes a cult as a “a group or movement with a shared commitment to a usually extreme ideology that's typically embodied in a charismatic leader.”
For all we know, an environmentally conscientious cult advocating for protecting biodiversity could be formed and we could save the world. However, the conflict with cults is the capacity and potential of the organization to do harm.
Modern cults tend to separate its members from the outside reality. Rather than providing support and wisdom for members to live better lives on their own, a cult seeks to directly control its members; from personal relationships, to their financial situations, and even living arrangements. Cults also demand obedience to their human leader, someone who is usually highly persuasive with authoritarian and narcissistic streaks motivated by money, sex, power, or all three.
You may think, why would I follow such a leader?
Well, because a charismatic leader manages to recruit a few initial followers, and then these followers are the ones who tell their families, friends, and social networks. It is a subtle process, and cults know very well who to target.
Loneliness or having experienced some kind of grief motivate people to join cults, as they are looking for a community and love.
August Engelhardt, who believed coconuts were divine. Photo courtesy of Atlas Obscura
Besides, more than two thirds of cult members have received an invitation from a friend, family member or a co-worker. These offers may seem harder to decline and are more personal, inciting more people to join.
More troubling is the fact that most cult environments discourage critical thinking, making it hard for members to voice doubts when everything you see around you is modelling absolute faith and commitment. This leads to cognitive dissonance and keeps you trapped in the cult, as it makes it more painful to admit you've been deceived.
After hearing all of this, I thought cults were terrifying and powerful. Until…
I realized it was possible to start a cult over cheese.
Crazy idea, right? But I thought to myself, THIS IS IT!
No degrees or certifications required, starting a cult over cheese is much easier than you’d think. Here are ten steps to starting your cult over cheese:
1. Believe that cheese has the potential for Gouda in the world. Show devotion for fervent Camembert, appreciate the density of Manchego, or admire the semi-elastic texture of Bufala. The secret to creating a successful cult is to have faith in cheese, regardless of whether it’s true or not. And because we live in a crazy world anyway, odds are you’re on the right track.
2. Worship your leader. Brie grateful, as without them you couldn’t experience the delight of cheese. Besides, sheep were selected by the invisible powers of faraway prophets to save humanity with their cheese-making. All you have to do is convince folks that ONLY through joining your cheese cult will they uncover the secrets of the universe (I was dubious of this one too, but good luck disproving it you little skeptics).
Moving on…
3. Be passionate about it, just don’t be too cheesy. Be prepared to justify your opinion to all those cheese buyers, as apparently passion is not enough to be right in this modern society. Under the wisdom of sheep, this cult succeeds under the belief that humans are self-destructive and selfish beings and the only way to purify our souls is through mindfully eating cheese (yes, you can add bread). Advise your incoming cult members to learn from Remi on how to be passionate about cheese (sorry vegans).
4. Learn as much as you can about cheese. The hype around it needs to acknowledge that it is a form of art making that has been around for over 8000 years, when sheep were first domesticated (cheese louise!). It may sound like a lot of work, but trust me, it’s easy:
Loves your woke cult over cheese = Loves humanity and themselves
Hates your woke cult over cheese = Hates humanity and themselves
Which side are you on?
5. Bring other people into the cult slowly, so that they never feel prov-alone. Locate the most populated farmers’ markets in your area and share the faith and wisdom that sheep have given you (and only YOU) with average looking buyers (pro tip: they’re more likely to join if they carry a canvas bag with a unique print).
6. Establish the rules of the cult, always praise Cheesus. By now, you’re an expert on how to bring people in and convince them that your cult has the answers and salvation. Keep your cult members energized. I suggest that you start by allowing your followers to taste the most precious cheese and be grateful for it.
7. Show that your cult has the versatility of Mozart-ella. You can’t just go around giving free cheese until someone becomes lactose intolerant. You must convince them that EVEN if they get sick when consuming cheese, a life without it is more miserable.
8. Make sure all behaviour aligns with the cult’s values; in other words, don’t let the outside world grate you. Show them how cultured you can be. The great thing about this one, is that the more you idealize an idea of salvation and happiness in people’s heads, the more they fail to accomplish it… And guess what? If they fail to live up to it, they blame themselves for it. At this point, you can tell your followers whatever you want and they’ll believe you (maybe consider eating lactose-free cheese?)
9. Find a place to gather your cult members, maybe a cottage? Ignore the fact that you have no idea what you’re doing. Remember two things: (1) sheep are the ones telling you to communicate their wisdom and save humanity and (2) you have the solution. You are leading. I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but my dear, human suffering is like peeling an onion; every time you peel a layer there’s another one that will make you cry even more. Make your followers believe that cheese has only holes, and you can make them disappear.
10. Lastly, if your followers are feeling bleu, remind them, cults are family and without the wisdom of the sheep and YOU, they would be full of despair, loneliness, sadness, and doubt, collapsing once again in self-destruction.
