For all of Those Who Stayed
For the past year, I’ve doubted once and once again if I made the right choice when deciding to stay. I know for sure that I am not the only one who feels that way, that the doubt of our choice is always on the mind of every international student. I am writing for all of us who decide to stay during this difficult time.
BY: HELEN JUNGSHU YAO
Artwork by Helen // THE UNDERGROUND
February has Valentine's Day, Family Day, and Black History Month. People around me are preparing gifts for their valentines, looking forward to the long weekend, and organizing African American book clubs. While I am part of the audience for the stories of others’ ancestry and heritage, February also gave me the opportunity to think of my own roots.
The Lunar New Year, also known as Chinese New Year, usually occurs between late January and mid-late February, depending on the Lunar Calendar. A month ago, when my roommates were disappointed that they couldn’t travel home for Christmas and New Year, I wasn’t feeling the same. New Year’s Day is a public holiday and often celebrated in China but it was nothing compared with the Lunar New Year. On New Year's Day, people worried about their unfinished work in the office, students worried about their upcoming final exams. Lunar New Year is the true beginning of winter vacation and a full week off work for adults. It means everyone gets to retire to enjoy a long restful holiday and reunite with their family, eat a lot without worrying about diet, drink a lot without worrying about hangovers.
That’s the time when everyone is supposed to travel home and reunite with their family, indulging themselves with food and celebration. As February 12, the date of Lunar New Year 2021, approaches, I started to understand the void and loss my roommates had felt during Christmas.
Not being home for Lunar New Year isn’t new for me. I have been in the middle of a winter semester during this time for the past four years. I may call my family when they are at a gathering and then go back to finish an assignment or study for an exam. What makes this year different though, is the fact that I had chosen not to return, even when opportunities were given.
Last winter, I wanted to go on a skiing trip to Blue Mountain, so I spent my break in Toronto. I remembered telling my parents that once I graduated in 2020, I will have plenty of time to go home and spend the entire summer there. I wanted my last winter as a university student to be memorable, with friends and skiing resorts instead of returning home. I remembered my Mom saying, “Things don’t always go according to plan and you might not be able to come back when you want to.” She turned out to be correct. I couldn’t go home for the rest of the year, neither could I in the near future.
For the past year, I have blamed my inability to return on the pandemic, the travel restrictions, and the quarantine. But in the meantime, many of my fellow international students have traveled. Online classes finally gave us the possibility to take classes from the comfort of our homes, and they jumped at the opportunity of it. One of my roommates traveled home in May 2020 and stayed there until now. Another left after winter classes were confirmed to be online. I saw them posting on social media about living the Toronto schedule in a different time zone, about staying up at midnight to take classes and sleeping during the day. I heard about internet issues with VPN and firewall, where they frequently drop off from live lectures or even exams. These are the moments when I convinced myself that I had made the right choice by staying. However, I couldn’t help but feel jealous when they posted about having gatherings with family members, surrounded by familiar faces, words, and food. I know it was a situation where I could only have one or another, but sometimes I still feel bitter trapped in the tiny room an ocean away from home.
Artwork by Helen // THE UNDERGROUND
A week before Lunar New Year, I made my way to Bestco Supermarket. It is one of the few stores that are both authentic enough for holiday shopping and located close enough. I still spent almost $40 on the Uber trip. I always spend a long time in Chinese grocery stores, walking up and down the aisles, staring at the price tags. There were simply too many things I wanted to buy and I had to look out for my purse. Any item could trigger the vulnerability within me, a crispy snack I used to love as a child, an ice tea beverage I always liked, vegetables, ingredients, and sauces that were not so easy to get in Toronto. I spent more than twice my regular budget for groceries and tried to cook as similar as I could to the food from home. What I ended up with was always a mutated clone of the taste in my memory.
I’ve written a lot of short stories about international students, although they got classified as “immigration and new-comer experience” whenever reviewed by a mentor or a peer writer. For me, the most important difference is that the temptation of returning home is often available and irresistible. Those who truly left their home behind because of poverty, war, or natural disasters may look back, longing to return, but they also know for sure that returning is not possible. They would struggle, fight even harder because there’s no way back. For most international students, the option of stepping back is constantly at the back of our minds. Sometimes it seems too easy to turn around and stay where we feel comfortable and familiar. The pandemic, lockdown, online classes, and Lunar New Year were all the reasons that made me doubt my choice.
For the past year, I’ve doubted once and once again if I made the right choice when deciding to stay. I’ve tried to convince myself that I have a purpose here and I am pursuing a dream. At times, when my parents look at me sadly through video chat, or when I realize that I haven’t contacted any of my friends back home because physical distance always turns into emotional ones, or when I have to spend another Lunar New Year by myself, or when my food just never tastes like home, I keep thinking whether my choice was worthy.
I fear that one day these doubts will wear me thin and make me give up what I tried so hard to hold on to. I know for sure that I am not the only one who feels that way, that the doubt of our choice is always on the mind of every international student. I am writing for all of us who decide to stay during this difficult time.
I wish you all a happy Lunar New Year, even though that might not be your holiday. If you stayed, stay strong.
