UTSC Wildlife

In this month’s edition of UTSC Wildlife with The Underground, we explore the fascinating wilderness of the UTSC campus and its inhabitants.

Disclaimer: if any of the following depictions bears resemblance to you, it was fully intended. You are encouraged to take full offence in the content of this documentary.

In a jungle of concrete, surrounded by unforgiving transit pathways, exists a fascinating ecosystem. Follow us as we take you through the UTSC community. Stepping into the vicinity, one would think it is isolated from the rest of the world. That observation would be somewhat true. Once one steps off their bus on Military Trail, they have treaded upon UTSC territory and should proceed with caution, lest they get diagnosed with U of Tears syndrome.

As we enter the school grounds, you will notice the U of T banners, which are characteristic of the area’s vegetation. The legend says that a hundred years ago, U of T discovered insulin. Folks are still searching for the famed Insulin Banner.

The fabled Insulin Banner might be gone but hey, look at those Cool Rocks.

Let us head to The Valley to start off the expedition with the least campus-like setting. There is always at least one Retired Person exercising in The Valley. The Retired Person is more active than the whole student population combined. Varsity Jocks and Gym Bros are clear outliers and should be excluded from this statistic.

The Valley is also the presumed ideal habitat for the Campus Couple. They will find their romantic walks interrupted by dogs, which can all be grouped under the umbrella term “Good Boy.” The Campus Couple often opts to hold hands in the hallways, in the bunker-like environment. The situation seems post-apocalyptic.

If you ever find yourself at the Instructional Centre (IC), beware of the Wall Street room. It is immediately recognizable as a rotating stock ticker hangs from the ceiling. The glass wall is here to flaunt the non-stop grind of the stock market. Despite the temptation, do not make eye contact with the people in the Wall Street room. You might be tempted to join them. 

The way to the Dungeon // Photo by THE UNDERGROUND

Now, let us venture into the Science Wing (SW) Dungeon. Speaking of which, this location is periodically visited by lost First Years searching for their A level lab course. The Dungeon Confusion has become a rite of passage in the youngsters’ development. Their inexperience makes them prone to being anyone’s prey. They are also impressionable. The light has not left their eyes yet. They must be protected at all costs.

A species known for its attempts to assert dominance would be the Frat Boy. He possesses several strategies to do so. He is known to mass send recruitment messages to unsuspecting males, convinced that the identical personalized message he sends everyone will be super effective. He… is wrong. At other times, the Frat Boy can be seen sticking unsanctioned flyers on residence doors. This act, which requires a total stealth value of “just a decent amount,” occasionally disrupts the residents of Joan Foley. Frat Boys are not all alpha males, but beware: all self-proclaimed alpha males are Frat Boys.

As we near wintertime, a special mention must be made for the Fashionista. Winter is the deadliest season for them, as they will begrudgingly cover up their stylish fur with a plain winter coat. The Fashionista will peak during all the other seasons, especially during the two weeks of fall that actually feel like fall and not a preview for winter. To the Fashionista, layering is instinctive.

When one thinks of the Fashionista, they may also think of “That” Girl. She can be found at Starbucks, lining up in her gym clothes with headphones on. Otherwise, try Panam, though it has become increasingly hard for her to secure a treadmill there. “That” Girl’s population size has increased exponentially since her popularization on Tik Tok. The Fashionista and “That” Girl always look perfectly put together. The rest of the ecosystem is still trying to figure out how.

Ahhhh, Highland Hall… Home to the famous Highland Hall Sleepers. They have fashioned sleeping pods out of the red couches, contorting their bodies expertly to maximize “comfort.” The Sleeper is presumably nocturnal, though we cannot declare that with certainty. Their sense of time is too warped to know when their day starts and ends.

Highland Hall is also by far the most tense micro ecosystem. It is the Territory of Silence, a clinical area surprisingly quieter than the Library.

SW Vending Machines // Photo by THE UNDERGROUND

Some species are not part of academia, but are crucial to the ecosystem’s functioning, such as the Vending Machine Guy. The areas where the Vending Machine Guy is most often observed is the Marketplace, by virtue of the vending machine pizza and pasta. Such is the glory of this campus environment. The Vending Machine Guy can be heard from afar, due to the king of keys he possesses. However, that sound could also be a Tech Guy. Both species are inoffensive.

The PhD candidate. Unlike the other species discussed above, this one is not a UTSC native. No, they hail from St. George, migrating to Scarborough out of necessity. Pushed down the hierarchy in their original ecosystem, they achieve sustenance by handling UTSC tutorials. The St. George PhD Candidate is not to be disrespected, as epic fights still transpire between them and other species.

All species, however, make peace around the eating grounds. Those are implicitly truce areas. Consider the Tim Horton’s line, where classification does not matter. We are all the same in the line for Tims. A line so long it reaches the entry to the washroom.

Notably, we can spot Campus Security, of their common name Campus Cops. That particular species tends to be spotted at campus fairs and Tims. The other species are aware of their existence, but only register their presence in a panic, when they mistake them for Actual Cops. Such is the disguise of the Campus Cop.

And with that, we now conclude our tour of the UTSC campus: the most disrespected of all the U of T grounds. Worry not, as UTSC will always be here for your bunker-related needs. Simply watch any bunker scene in a Hollywood movie and you will spot it!