How to Break Up with your Toxic Best Friend
Focusing on yourself instead of others isn’t being rude, it’s self-care.
BY: PAYAL DASS
Photo courtesy of Mark Bryan
We often feel like we surround ourselves with people who genuinely care for us. These are thought to be the people that challenge us to try new things, support us, or are always there to be a shoulder for us to cry on. Among the people we would always choose to surround ourselves with are our friends or family. You cannot choose your family members, and sometimes you have to adjust to their ideals and standards even if you don’t agree with them. That’s why it is said that friends are the only family we can choose. But what happens when a friend ends up making you feel worse without you even realizing it?
When I was in eighth grade, I had just moved back to the city, and like any other teenager, I was extremely nervous when it came to making friends. I already knew people had their designated niches and knew that it would be difficult for me to seamlessly blend in with them. I remember my first day of school that year so vividly.
All tables had two chairs, and everyone had already grabbed a partner to sit with. There was one empty chair in the front of the classroom. At that moment, I knew it was going to be tough to get to know people and make it through the school year. However, when walking to the next class, a girl runs up to me and asks me what my name is. She then explained that she approached me because her friend, who we will refer to as Tanya, told her to.
Tanya was like the ringmaster of our friend group. In other words, it was her opinions that were dominantly expressed all the time. Her opinions were ‘our’ opinions. These unknowingly became my own opinions and influenced the way I looked at other people at school, and myself.
It wasn’t long before Tanya and I became best friends. We did everything together. I would go to her house often and we had a genuine sisterhood I thought would never split. She was always there for me when I needed her.
Photo Courtesy of iconoCero
I thought our friendship would stick it out as the years went by, but I started to notice some changes in our relationship going into high school. Being exposed to a wider population of people, I got to connect with others, which ultimately had me looking at life through multiple lenses. Tanya didn’t seem cool with the idea of getting close with new people, or getting new outlooks on life.
Cut to grade 10, we became very distant. Tanya didn’t like the new people I was hanging out with, hence we barely talked to each other at all. That is, until one day she texts me, making accusations that I was never really her friend and that I would always spread lies and talk shit about her.
I know myself well enough to know that I don’t have enough energy to spare to spread such negativity. Knowing something was up, I investigated and pestered her to figure out who was telling her these atrocious claims.
Looking back on it, we sound stupid and immature. But, when this was all happening, it meant a lot to me. I didn’t want to lose Tanya because I considered her to be my sister, but why did I even care so much when we were so distant?
Upon bothering Tanya for two weeks, she finally told me that no one was actually telling her these things, but she was simply bored and wanted to create drama as a topic of discussion for her and her new friends; all while holding relevance in my life, like she’d never left.
Photo courtesy of Pinterest
Tanya had been purposely putting me through psychological torture as a means for her to continue to serve a purpose in my life. She wanted me to care about what she was doing and about the relationship we had. She deemed that my self-worth was based on the success of our toxic friendship. She wanted me to stay close to her when she knew I was no longer going to fit her ‘standard’ of a friend. She had stooped so low I realized it wasn’t worth it anymore, and that we had to end it.
We’d have to officially break up.
Our relationship left me exhausted. When I was putting so much effort and energy into keeping her as my friend, worried that I was being a terrible person, she was happy, pretending like nothing was going on. Forget about what a terrible person she was being and focus on my state of mind. I was a mess, and I needed to get back in control of my life.
Photo courtesy of Buzzfeed
Hence, take my advice and just stop caring.
Don’t stop caring completely, but know your worth. This world is filled with so many types of people. Some that you meet will genuinely care for you, while others will see you as a step to help climb higher on society’s ladder.
When someone prevents you from doing things that make you happy, that make you the best version of yourself, that make you feel like yourself, they probably do not care about you. They’re not your friend. You should no longer want to keep that person around you. A friend who stops you from growing and being happy is not your true friend.
Getting out of this toxic friendship has made me happier. I am no longer worried about whether or not my friends would be by my side. I was always encouraged to be myself and to try new things. All things that relationship refrained me from doing. I could now put myself out there, talk to whoever I wanted, and be respected as a person instead of a minion to rule over.
I now feel like a person of worth. This is because the friends I have today tell me how big of a queen I am and how I should never settle for less. Although a big part of how I moved on and began treating myself right came from surrounding myself with amazing people, I want to make it clear that you are your biggest best friend. You are in charge of your own happiness, and it is unhealthy to give that responsibility to anyone else.
For example, you’re in charge of where you want to take your life. You get to choose your friends. You get to choose which program to study in university and the way you express yourself daily. Self-care is a set of critical choices that ultimately shapes the way you perceive the world around you and yourself. It has a big effect on us internally.
I say you should never put the responsibility of making you happy on someone else because it will be impossible for them to do so. The chances of the relationship ending because both parties are unhappy with each other’s company is very likely. No one else can truly know what it is that you want or what is best for you (in most circumstances).
Keeping this in mind, relationships are ever-changing, people change, and it is important to know that at the end of the day, it is only yourself that is going to stick with you until the very end.
Photo courtesy of Amanda Oleander
Self-care does not mean falling into the traps of buying expensive skin-care and other items to make yourself feel worthy. Although we have all been subject to this behaviour at some point in our lives, you need to keep in mind that some businesses feed off of the idea that ‘if you truly love yourself, you will buy yourself the latest version of [product name].’ This can be considered spoiling yourself once in a while, but do not mistake this concept of self-care and self-love.
Self-care is just treating yourself right. It starts by figuring out what things or people you surround yourself with interfere with you achieving your goals or true potential. Trying to figure out what makes you feel like you are worth less often leads to figuring out how to change this so you feel better. Even if this means cutting people off.
Self-care could be as small as unfollowing the social media influencers that make you feel bad about your body image. You could say no to a friend who asks you to hang out tonight because you have had a rough week—no, it isn’t rude. Your case could be slightly more extreme like mine and involve severing ties with old acquaintances.
Self-care is all about loving yourself, being the best version of yourself, and possibly doing things you have always wanted to do. It’s truly about being your own best friend.
The lesson I want everyone to take away from this life experience is, frankly speaking, that when you know someone isn’t treating you as you should be treated, dump their ass.
