Addictions: A Conversation with My Ex

Substance use was one of the big reasons that we broke up. Now it’s the time for a conversation.

BY: JINGSHU HELEN YAO & JAWAD TALUT

What would you think of when you hear the word “addiction”? 

Someone claims that they can’t function without a cup of coffee. Someone’s wisdom teeth are killing them, but they won’t get it removed because smoking is not allowed for the first few weeks after the operation. Images of needles, white powders, police cars, news about drug dealers. Anecdotes about weird addictions, ranging from in love with a pillow and eating sand to drinking urine and eating husband’s remains. 

These are all valid additions. Some are common and more relatable, while others might be unbelievable, but are real regardless.

Illustration for Addiction / Photo via VectorStock

For me, the word “addiction” made me think of serious conversations with both teachers and parents from a very young age. Growing up in a culture where substance use is heavily controlled, using drugs or smoking marijuana is as immoral and forbidden as murder. It was even reflected in our language. 毒品 (Du Pin), the Chinese term for drugs, can be directly translated to “poisonous item,” and using drugs 吸毒 (Xi Du), means “consuming poison.” While the English term “drug” is the homonym of “medicine,” my first language linked it directly to “danger” and “death.”

Even before I learned about drugs and addiction, my lexicon had already drawn a line and given a warning. Therefore, I had very little interest in learning and understanding anything about substance use. When I realized that my boyfriend used different substances from time to time and frequently smoked marijuana, I immediately overreacted and made it a big deal. The argument continued and along with other issues, eventually drew us apart. While we remained to be close friends after breaking up, I started to wonder if I ever considered his choice from a different perspective, or if I simply jumped to a decision based on my own understanding. I went on to research drug use and addiction on the internet.

Poster for Addition Education / Photo via iStock

There is no single definition for addiction. According to the American Psychiatric Association, the condition of addiction is complicated. It is described as “a brain disease that is manifested by compulsive substance use despite harmful consequences” or “severe substance use disorder” as a simplified definition. Individuals who have an addiction will use certain substances intensely and continuously. It could be extremely hard for them to stop despite the fact that these substances might be harmful for their physical and mental health. 

The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) described addiction with the following 4 words, which they referred to as the 4 Cs.

• Craving

• loss of Control of amount or frequency of use

• Compulsion to use

• use despite Consequences.

While this information was phrased in a professional and objective tone, I still came to the same conclusion with my previous understanding. Then I realized that the best way to get someone’s perspective is to get direct information from themselves. I reached out to my Ex, fellow English student Jawad Talut for an interview. 

1) What is the difference between using substances and abusing them?

This is a bit difficult to answer. To me, personally, it’s about whether you need to take a substance. I can drink some coffee after a poor night’s sleep to wake myself up; that’s using. But if I need that caffeine in the morning or else I’ll be grumpy and unable to do anything then that’ll be abuse.

For most people they start using them, but then they use it too frequently and they end up abusing the substance because that’s where they get their dopamine from. Sometimes you don’t even realize it’s abuse unless someone intervenes or after you stop using it.

2) Why did you start using them and how did you feel?

I started using drugs because I was curious, or they were given to me.

I was prescribed amphetamines when I was twelve by a physician because my fifth-grade teacher thought I had ADHD; to this day I don’t really know if I have it or not. Schools are stupid like that you know? One minute they tell you not to do drugs, next they give speed to a kid because he doesn’t want to sit still for six hours.

Anyway, I did a lot of Ritalin during middle school but stopped early in high school because I didn’t want to be relying on drugs. I also took a lot of Tylenol that had codeine in it whenever I hurt a little, I didn’t do this that frequently and stopped taking pain medication altogether during high school.

Curiosity is what mainly caused me to explore drugs, however. The music I was listening to always influenced drugs, it makes sense because an altered state of consciousness does wonders for the imagination. Bob Marley, Eminem, Pink Floyd, Death Grips, Kanye West, and many other musicians always referenced drug use in their music. But it was the music of the Beatles that really sparked my interest in taking psychedelics, this happened after listening to Sgt. Peppers.

That’s what caused me to start using them, however, what kept me being high was my family life. I would take them to deal with what goes on in my house, it didn’t help the situation, and now that I’m sober, they keep going on.

How I feel though is a complicated answer since all drugs work differently on the brain and each has their own feeling. Loud made me laugh and have a great time with all my friends, but when I started mocking it more frequently, it really became a sedative and made me super paranoid. Acid completely changed my perception of the world, scared the piss out of me, and helped me improve myself. Molly made me dance and made me very happy, but it felt so depressing when it wore off. Where you are, physically and emotionally, will affect how you feel when you take the drugs the most though. It felt good sometimes, it felt bad during others. Looking back, the feeling was nothing compared to what I learned from the experiences it gave me.

Photo with Jawad, Winter 2019 // THE UNDERGROUND

3) How do you feel when you stop using it?

Honestly, I think this answer might be a bit hard to give. I have been smoking kush these past three years with two or so breaks that lasted from about three to six months; and even then, I would smoke once or twice a month. So when I wasn’t smoking during those times, I would always feel so anxious and moody. I would get angry easily and begin shouting at my friends and loved ones. I always felt that everyone hated me and was talking behind my back.

Weaning yourself off of a substance will feel different for what it is, but since I was using cannabis so frequently with a bunch of other drugs, all the effects merge together. To be honest, I can only tell you about the withdrawal from weed.

Depending on how potent the strain you were using was or how long you’ve been using it, you may feel your skin crawling. There will be restless nights with bizarre dreams. I felt so depressed during the first few weeks whenever I stopped smoking, but it gets better with each day. 

Honestly, the hardest part about quitting kush was that time seemed to come to a grinding halt. I’ve taken many drugs in the psychedelic class and they all shift how I perceive time in many ways, but sometimes with marijuana, time slows down to a smooth pace. I used to smoke over five times a day, and when I stopped, the day felt agonizing to continue; I just wanted to ball up and speed things up.

I know it must be strange, one second I said that weed makes time slow down, but the withdrawal has the same effect? Yes, it’s weird to wrap your head around. But the effect from the withdrawal makes you just want to get high again so you can feel things go back to their old pace.

With other drugs, it was more or less easier to quit, but smoking was harder because of how the effects felt and how frequently I did it.

4) Would you like to stay sober?

Yes, I would. Do I want to stop doing drugs forever? No, I would not. I’m still going to drop acid every now and then, ball up before watching a good movie or drinking together with my friends. I don’t want to abuse them though; I want to enjoy them without it becoming habitual for a source of dopamine.

I used to take drugs because I thought it would help my writing, and honestly, it did. But I barely wrote anything when I was constantly smoking weed and my writing wasn’t the best I could create. It’s after I stopped doing drugs that I got the full creative benefits and created to my full potential.

5) What advice would you give to people who have never smoked weed or used substances but want to try it?

Try anything once. If someone wants to try something then they’re going to do it no matter what I’ll say. But be sure to educate yourself on the substances that you’re taking; there are numerous resources online for that. And also make sure that whatever you’re using is actually what you bought; people will cut drugs and press into pills without saying it.  

As for addiction, I can’t really help you with that. Nobody’s life is perfect, but don’t use drugs as an escape from it. Learn to overcome your problems instead of hiding from them.

Jawad also recommended CG kid, a Youtuber who focuses on the content of substance usage and withdrawal, for further information on this topic. As a person who has not had first-hand experience with substance, GC kid’s channel was very helpful for me to understand how addiction can influence an individual. He interviewed many substance users, some went through withdrawal and stayed sober, some tried to recover but failed. It seems that even with the same substance, every individual has different symptoms when they withdraw, some physically, some psychologically. There are common patterns and the level of struggle is shared. 

On the matter of addiction, I apologize to Jawad and those who have similar experiences like him. While our differences remain, I am in no position to judge the choice of others based on my own assumption. Instead, understanding and support is all I have to offer.