17 Going On 20

Reflecting on personal growth and transformation through Fall experiences.

BY: SAJDA ZAHIR

Viewing Fall from an older perspective, no longer being able to indulge in all of the excitement. // Photo via Pinterest

Fall was my favourite season growing up, and I claim that it should be everyone else’s favourite season too. It was the season that created the most scenic routes, gave me a reason to buy and wear more sweaters than I ever needed, and the temperature was low enough to give me rosy cheeks but not low enough to freeze my toes off. It was a festive time, houses were covered with Halloween decorations while children pleaded in malls to buy overpriced costumes.

What made me grow so fond of Fall were the memories associated with it. Looking back in my life, I was always happiest during fall because it was a time of change and transformation. Memories tied to Halloween costumes and candy, transitioning from boring summer dresses and ice cream I couldn’t eat, since I was lactose intolerant; and memories filled with hot drinks, pumpkins, and rain, different from the sour lemonade, prickly grass, and humid days. Life would change and what made it better was that trees and leaves would change with it. The world would simply become more colourful.

Picture via Pinterest

As I grew older, Fall would be the time where I’d watch the sun set into the evening at an hour too early while writing down song quotes and poetry into my diary. It didn’t matter what was happening in my life or what my mental state was, I always went into Fall deciding that it’d be the best time of the year for me because it was when I could experience the most change in the things both around me and within myself. I’d go to pumpkin patches with my family, force my sister to take pictures in the leaves with me, and go to Starbucks with my friends to claim the pumpkin spice latte was overrated. Fall never disappointed me, life would be the most fulfilling then, and I would experience the most growth during it.

Once the pandemic hit, it had drained me of all the excitement I had for Fall. I was in my first year when Fall began amidst pandemic years and it should have been the year for the most drastic transformation, change, and growth. But everything was unchanging.

Picture via Pinterest

I watched the trees change colour from my apartment window while catching up on lectures I tried not to miss, and stressing about midterms which I had never done before. My sweaters were collecting dust in my closet, there were no Halloween decorations for me to appreciate, and I didn’t see a single pumpkin that entire year. I tried to play it off at the time and stay positive for the sake of my family and friends, but I felt empty. I had nothing to look forward to and the basic things that I found enjoyment in—walking by coloured trees, Fall outfits, Halloween with others—were no longer there.

Since everything was so much more prolonged than many people, including myself, had anticipated, I’d lost my excitement entirely. I was no longer excited about the trees changing colours, because I wouldn’t be able to see them up close as often. I was no longer excited about sweaters, because I had nowhere to wear them. I was no longer excited about mocking pumpkin spice lattes, because I was unable to see my friends to mock them with. The little things were gone, and so I felt a strange type of hopelessness I had never felt in my life before.

It was upsetting to experience since I admired the part of myself that got excited about the little things in life even though it felt childish sometimes. At some point, I decided that it was childish, and the only reason I stopped feeling the anticipation I used to feel was because I was growing up and becoming more logical. I used that excuse to ignore the disappointment I felt as yet another Fall passed by and I was unable to enjoy its transformations. In a way, I didn’t want to admit that I missed my life the way it used to be. I should be grown up enough to adjust to the way things are even if they’re inconvenient.

The last proper Fall I experienced before the pandemic was when I was 17 years old. The next few Fall seasons I experienced were simply from my room, watching the leaves change from my window. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but while everything felt like it was unchanging, the disappointment was changing me as a person. Maybe I had matured, or maybe I was simply better at hiding excitement or locking it away so I didn’t have any expectations.

Now here I am, at 20 years old, experiencing Fall as it once was; except it’ll never be the way it once was because I am no longer the way I once was.

I’m living my life how I always wanted to: transitioning into an adult, attending university, looking my best, and feeling my best socializing with others. All of it as I had expected but there was a strange feeling of loneliness that came with Fall now. With the leaves transforming, I realize that so much of my life had transformed as a by-product of my change in attitude towards Fall. And quite frankly, every other thing in my life. Pumpkin patches were too far from where I lived, my sister and I had too many schedule clashes to take any more Fall pictures, and my friends were too far away now to find a Starbucks close enough to all of us.

Picture via Pinterest

Transformation requires adjustment, it requires optimism, and a new view on life. While I feel upset about the reality, I also know I would no longer enjoy Fall the way it used to be as the person I am now. Though it feels less fulfilling, there are still times where my chest feels lighter as I walk through scenic routes, buy and wear more sweaters than I need, and admire the temperature that’s low enough to give me rosy cheeks but not enough to freeze my toes off.

With everything, Fall is still my favourite season and arguably, it should be everyone else’s favourite season too.